Wednesday, June 10, 2015

So Tired of Being Sick!!

On Sunday night I broke out in a very high fever of 103 degrees. It was an odd feeling as though I had left my body with every move I made. When it finally broke, I had sweated so badly that I soaked the sheets all the way through. Repeat on Monday and Monday night. I've been so weak from whatever this is.

Had I been in AL, I would have gone to the ER and spent time in the hospital. Yes, it has happened in the past. Here when I tell my doctors of this experience, they don't seem to care much. So I just suffer it out.

Rascal must have felt my suffering for he lay in my lap most of the day yesterday and when I went to bed last night, he slept on my pillow with his paws wrapped around my head. He stayed there for hours before I broke out into another high fever. I had to sit up after that one. It hurt so badly that I cried for hours.

Someone shared with me about a family member not wanting to be alone so she is moving back home. Thing is she's not alone. She's married with a child.

I find myself with very little patience for someone who says they are alone when they're not. No patience with someone who has a family member to run to when they need money. I ate ramen noodles for two weeks last month because the month had five weeks and most of my money went to medications. I just suffered it out.

I wish I had a family member I could run to, but mine are dead. I am alone. And it is horrible. I find the more ill I become, the more alone I am.

I worked in two church offices in my lifetime. I learned things members would lose their faith over. One of the lessons I learned as a healthy hard working person was the more you could do for the church, the more welcome you were. If you were unable to fill a working position or a financial position, no one was interested.

I learned where my faith truly lied during those years and people were not it. I'm so thankful God isn't like the people who "run" the church. I am so thankful my faith is in Him and not them. If it were in them, I'd be lost for sure.

Sickness comes at inopportune moments. A week from Saturday is the city-wide yard sale and I need the money. But I've been too sick to prepare for it. With the heat increasing I just hope I can endure a yard sale. Still need funds to finish paying off the failed benlysta treatments from last summer. Want desperately to get rid of "stuff" in general. Need money just to move back to AL where I can get to the hospital or doctor when I need to do so and where I can get help when I am unable to care for myself. This yard sale is a need.

Weather extremes are hard on my body. Extreme cold, extreme heat and humidity, rain, swings in temperature. They all put me in bed from flares. It isn't what I call living.

Someone suggested I take a supplement to get more strength. Tried those in the past and they didn't work. I also don't have the money to pay for medications, every day bills and food and add a supplement to the list. People mean well. They just don't understand how much damage this disease along with other illnesses have done to my body.

I've been on two sets of antibiotics the past two months. One was for a bad tooth infection that spread to my ear, lymph nodes and down my neck. The second one was for a MRSA virus. With all those antibiotics you'd think there would be no infections left.

I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired. I long to be able to go home....the home I grew up in where my family lived. Feel that "ahhhh" moment when I walk in the door. Be able to sick in the swing at night and look at the star studded sky for hours. You never know how wonderful home is until it is gone.
You never know how wonderful your family is,  even though they may have been tough to live with, until they are gone.

I just want to go home, but since I can't go back to the home where I grew up, I want to go back home where lifetime friends are still there. I don't want to die here alone.

Back to bed - another fever is coming on.

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