Friday, July 17, 2015

Good Grief What a Fall!!

When I stepped out of the shower this morning, I fell, hit the toilet seat and broke the back off. Thankfully the seat is still usable. I'm more concerned with the soreness and bruising from the fall. It took awhile for me to stand up again, but I finally did. The good thing is I didn't mind the cold bathroom floor this time around. In Winter it is brutal!

I haven't been out of the house since last Friday. Haven't seen another person since then either. This is my life. I've learned to become content alone. 

Many people ask what I do with myself all day since I can no longer work. If they had a chronic illness, they wouldn't have to answer this question. They would know it takes every ounce of strength just to accomplish the smallest task. Just putting on clothes is a chore sometimes. Most days I don't bother. I save the strength for things that must be done like showering, making dinner, or cleaning when I can. 

During times of extreme weather, whether summer heat or winter snow/cold, I'm stuck in bed. Weather changes are bad on people with systemic lupus. We're a walking barometer. Every rise in temperature, barometric pressure, humidity level, cold temperatures, etc. cause a great deal of swelling and pain. 

Needless to say, I'll be spending a few days in bed after this morning's fall. It feels as though I've been run over by a truck. Didn't take long to stiffen up. The hard part is trying to get up after a fall. The pain is worse. And there is no one here to help me. No one to care for me. No one. 

How I miss my family at times like this. My mother wasn't much for being a compassionate caregiver. She just pushed me to go on. My dad wasn't either when I was growing up. I guess that's why I'm so shocked on the rare occasion when someone does a kindness towards me. I never had kindness or compassion growing up. My dad was better at checking in on me when I was older. He became more compassionate. 

Seems like a lifetime ago I was a full time caregiver for my mom, dad and brother while working a full time job. The memories are still vivid, but if I reach back to remember, my heart breaks. Their losses feel like yesterday. No matter what anyone says, you never get over the loss. You just learn to live with it as time goes on. 

Better head back to bed before I become so much stiffer I can't get out of this chair. 

If you can walk, be thankful. If you can do small things. Be even more thankful. Life changes on a dime!


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