Saturday, July 4, 2015

Nightmares and Dreams

Lately I've had nothing but nightmares. No slasher dreams, just unrequited nightmares.

I woke up at 3:30 a.m. this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. So I fed the cats and watched a little tv. After an hour or two, I finally fell back to sleep. Seems to be my pattern these days.

I dreamed about walking in a group of people I didn't know. There were strangers every where. As I made it down this bridge and through several rooms I didn't recognize, I found a woman with a kitten inside a blown up balloon. I rescued the poor thing and freed it from its prison. The people around me were furious and started to chase me. So I ran (something I can no longer do). I ran into the street of an unfamiliar town.

I saw a road that detoured to the left and somehow knew I was suppose to take it to get home. When I turned the corner, I saw it was an old mining camp so I grabbed an old faded dress from someone's clothesline and covered myself so that I could run down and then up the hill safely. People were chasing me then as well.

When I exited the mine road, I found myself in front of the old bank in my hometown. I knew I wasn't far from home (the home where I grew up), but it was too far for me to walk. So I asked for a ride from someone in the crowd.

They kept asking me who I was and I told them my name, my family's name. I told them I went through school in that town. Everyone said I wasn't the person I pretended to be.

I finally was faced with a woman officer who asked the same questions. I gave her all of the information I could think of on myself. Yet everyone surrounded me and told the officer that I wasn't who I said I was.

I begged her to take me to see the police chief because he would recognize me after knowing my family for years. The officer took me to the court house and continued questioning to find out who I was. I told them to look up Asbury's information online. They called the school number to ask about me. And even though the college confirmed my identity, the officers did not believe me.

I begged for a phone so that I could call my daddy to come and get me. They never gave me one. I remembered a cell phone in my purse. I dialed it and someone answered. It sounded like my Daddy, but his voice was so soft and distant that I could barely understand him. I told him where I was and begged him to come and get me. He said he would and hung up.

As I hung up the phone, I remembered my Daddy, along with my mother and brother, had all passed away years ago. Home was no longer home. And it broke my heart.

I woke up sobbing.

Some days I just want to go home again. I know there isn't a home to go home to anymore, but it doesn't stop the longing in my heart. Dreams (or nightmares) such as this remind me how much alone in the world I am.

So stress has set in and a fever did, too. My joints are swelling and the pain is bad. Stress = lupus flare. This horrible disease has done so much damage to my body over the years that I wish it would hurry up and finish me off. I'm so tired, so tired of suffering.

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