Saturday, August 15, 2015

Random Thoughts

It has been a difficult week around here. If it was meant to go wrong, it did. I had to deal with customer service for several different reasons in several different circumstances. All of it bad. 

And I fell again. Stood up from bed and fell into a chair by the bedroom door. The arm of the chair stabbed me in the abdomen. That makes two falls in two weeks. My balance is getting worse. Thanks a lot, systemic lupus!

I've been inside all week except when I took the trash can to the end of the driveway. It has been a lonely week.

I once told a friend, "I have no life." She laughed. She's known me for three years now and should know it wasn't meant to be funny. It is a fact. I have no life. Most of the time I can handle it. Some days I can't. It is overwhelming when you're sick and can't go anywhere or do anything fun. Seems like the only things I do anymore is go to the doctor and once a month to the grocery store. Wheeee!!!!

This is a personal blog filled with personal experiences so I have to use "I" and "me" a great deal to get the point across. In a group of people or one on one, I'd rather be talking about what's going on in the world or other places and things. Not interested in gossip. Not interested in listening to someone spend an hour talking about themselves. That gets old fast. 

Being a hermit isn't such a bad idea now is it? Some days I'd rather be alone with my kitties than go out with people and listen to them talk nonstop about themselves. I never say much because it just isn't worth it. No one asks how my week has gone or what I'd like to do. They just blather on about themselves. 

Being a listener isn't a bad thing either except when people take advantage of it. I've encountered more people in KY than any other place who want me to sit and listen to them talk. When someone needs someone to listen, I don't mind one bit. If they want my advice, I'll give it. Otherwise I tend to tune out the "I ME" conversation. When did this world become so obsessed with themselves? 

I know it sounds bad to say all of these things, but I'm on the edge today. I've had enough of rude people and self centered talkers. My mother's baby sister was a self promoted talker. When she called our house, most of us ran the other way. We knew we'd be on the other end saying, "Uhu" never getting a word in edge wise. 

I say this in hopes someone will take note of how they come across. Most people don't mean to be selfish and some do. When it all comes to a head, that's when I bail. Just can't stand it. Add it on to a week of illness, lack of sleep, severe pain, fevers, and you'll understand how it can build to a head in no time. Noticed my patience is getting thin these days. 

So when you're in a conversation with someone else, try asking how they are doing and truly listen. You may be the only person they come in contact with that day. They don't need your self entertainment. They just need someone to care. I know I do. 

Since I cannot drive (due to this stupid illness), I'm pretty much stuck. Tonight if I could, I would have jumped in the car, put the kitties inside and drove until I ran out of gas. Some days I'd like to just disappear off the face of the earth. Hate feeling that way. Trapped and nowhere to go. It scares me sometimes. I wonder how much longer I can stand it. 

To sum it up, I'm sick. I'm in pain from a fall. I haven't slept much due to flares. I'm tired of fevers and swelling pain. I need someone to listen to me as much as others do. And I feel alone in the world. 

So what do I do? I watch Kevin Spacey and smile. Poor Kevin!

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