Monday, November 30, 2015

Stress Ride!

Stress is a bad thing for those who suffer with lupus. My former Rheumatologist told me stress would be deadly with an illness like this. So how do you deal with it when the world around you is going crazy? I've been sick since Saturday. This won't help a bit.

Tonight the troubled neighbors who live two doors down from me started a fight in front of my place in the middle of the road. They chased each other in vehicles down the street, one trying to run the other off the street. The fight returned to their front yard with her screaming like an idiot shouting all kinds of foul language. He jumped in his friend's truck (who by the way should  be forced to put a muffler on it) and tore out down the street again. She proceeded to beat his vehicle and her own with a baseball bat. What an idiot!

I called the police at the beginning of this fight when it occurred in the street. After thirty minutes and no police, I called back. I should have known the ditz who took the complaint didn't get it right. So I told her I wanted to talk to the cop. When he finally showed up, I explained what happened. He told me dispatch had reported it as "people yelling at traffic." NOTHING like my report. I told him it was a good thing guns weren't involved or he would be filing a dead body report.

Now Wilmore is a very very small town. Takes only minutes to get to the police station. It took thirty minutes to arrive because a dizt didn't listen to me and reported it wrong. Even though I told them we were at the dead end side, he was at the other end. Scary to think these people are protecting us.

These idiot neighbors moved in a month ago. It wasn't long before her live in boyfriend stabbed her and broke windows and doors. Then she took in another boyfriend - another idiot who things loud boom cars are a great thing and his pants drag past his knees. I would give them no second thought except for the fact she has a young child living in this mess. As long as they are in that apartment, I have a feeling the police will become frequent visitors.

When I was growing up, we called behavior like this as white trash. Now it is known as typical. What a crying shame this world has come to this. Most of the time people like this don't stay long. I'm hoping and praying this is the case. Every week it is the same thing - burning the road in front of my place with his loud boom radio and no muffler junk truck. Hours of this will destroy you. And I wonder why my sleep pattern has been destroyed.

Tonight I had to ask myself, am I in Dothan or Wilmore? Sad to say the cops are faster in Dothan. 

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Someone Shared My Story

Someone shared my meeting Kevin Spacey story on their website. So I'm sharing their website:

Sitting in the Dark

It is a cold rainy yucky day in Wilmore. My apartment tends to be dark anyway, but during cloudy days, it is very dark. The weather makes me hurt all over. Osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia, systemic lupus, plus so many other illnesses I battle every day, cause a difficult life.

I finally put up my rinky dink Christmas tree. Love the lights. Keep them on instead of lamps. Special ornaments from former students, those I've picked up along the way, photo ornaments of family, and the nativity set that belonged to my brother combine to bring a light to a somewhat dark life. I am reminded we are to be a bright light in the dark world and with each day the world becomes a little darker. I know living in a dark apartment dampens my spirits. When a little light comes in, I feel better. Lord, empty me of the darkness, the sadness, the thoughts of myself and fill me with YOU.

My thoughts are with my friend whose mother is dying. She was put in hospice today. With her struggle I am remembering my own mother's suffering and death. She died two days before my 24th birthday. When someone is suffering, it feels like a wild roller coaster of a ride. You have no control, can't make it stop, when you think things have leveled out, the up and down dive begins again. Five times to the ER during Thanksgiving. The ambulance had to come out to the country where we lived. Took 45 minutes every trip. Each time I would pray she made it. She did. Then in January we had to transfer her to a nursing home. She lived two weeks. The day she died, she bowed her head and was gone.

My circumstances were different. I was my mama's full time care giver. The day I graduated from college I left KY, walked in the door at home, and started the job. I couldn't even go outside until my daddy or brother came home from work. She required someone in the house with her at all times. Being a working class family, we couldn't afford to hire help. It was me or nothing. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I'd do it all over again.

I've thought of her so much the past few weeks, especially since my friend's mother is suffering so much. No matter how much time you are given, death is devastating. They take part of you with them when they leave this earth.

My brother was next with cancer. He died at age 46. I took care of him and worked a full time job. My daddy was also sick and I took care of him at the same time. He died two years after my brother. Can you imagine being alone at age 35? I was and still am. You would think it would get easier as time passed, but it doesn't. You see they, too, to part of me with them when they left this earth. Today I feel like 1/3rd of a person.

Christmas is in a few weeks. The world has created a holiday designed for families. In all honesty it is about the birth of Jesus. How can you focus on the true meaning when you're hit by "family holiday" at every event during this season? Even the movies on tv are focused on family. Just hold my breath and make it through. Enduring. Wishing I could sleep for a week.

Sitting in the dark with hope of light from the maker of this world. Empty me out, Lord, and fill me with your Spirit.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Wishing for Christmas

Most people make Christmas wish lists. This year I had a difficult time just putting up a tree.

If I had a choice for wishes, they would be as follows:

1.  Not to have to live through another Christmas alone!

2. This one is a two part: Money to pay off the existing Benlysta bill and not have the $1000 hanging over my head.

3.  I just want to go home where I can get the medical care I need.

4.  Be needed by someone. People take this for granted. Being needed isn't a burden. It is a joy.

5.  My kindle is dying. How I wish I had a 10 inch tablet so that I could see to read a book!

Silly what we wish for this time of year, isn't it?

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Thanksgiving and Christmas

Thanksgiving in tomorrow. I am very thankful for so many things, but I still don't like the holiday. It focuses on the unity of families. No, I don't hate families either. I just don't have one anymore. My immediate family has passed away. Add to it the aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc., and you find someone who is alone in the world. I never found the right person, so I'm single.

I took a chance and went to a new church on Sunday. Normally I make a vow not to enter social gatherings because they make me feel even more alone. Thanksgiving was mentioned. Families mentioned. I was surrounded by families. How do I feel? ALONE. 

I would give anything to step back in time when I left the last day of Fall quarter from college and traveled home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Nothing like the smell and taste of my mama's homemade cornbread dressing. She went all out during the holidays and was known as a top notch southern cook. 

I would give anything to arrive home, drop my bags, sit at the kitchen table and eat supper with my family. Wake up Thanksgiving morning to the smells of heaven, and sleep the rest of the day in a deep security, something I've not felt since the last one died. 

I simply hate the holidays now. Most of the time I can handle Thanksgiving, but Christmas is unbearable. Sometimes I'd like to crawl in bed and hibernate for another month. A coma wouldn't be such a bad thing this time of year. 

I barely remember past holidays. Bits and pieces come to mind. 

Appreciate the family you have. The alternative is not good.

Sponsor a Wreath

I heard a report on the news today where Wreaths Across America are short 300,000 wreaths this year. They put wreaths on service men's graves every Christmas. Cost is only $15 a wreath.

Great way to remember someone who served. My daddy served four years in WW11 via the army. 

Please consider helping them:

Thursday, November 19, 2015

At Times Like These

It has been a horrible week personally. I started throwing up and then a lupus flare hit. Thank you yo yo weather! I've barely been able to function long enough to have a clear thought. My body is wracked with pain and fevers are coming on hard. Such is the joy of having lupus.

This week has also been hard because of the attacks occurring around the world. So many people are afraid. And when the government says "Nothing to worry about. Don't be afraid. We will take care of you," it is then we should worry. We live in a time when lawlessness is rampant. It starts with the office of President (not enforcing laws) and spreading like wildfire across the nation. If the highest office won't enforce immigration laws, refuses to defend our borders, can't see the truth if it bit him in the face, what hope do we have to keep out ISIS? The border is wide open. He welcomes immigrants who are not vetted as he says. It only takes one woman, man or child to cross over and blow up a group of people. This is enough to be afraid of.

I didn't wait for calamity to happen before I sought refuge in God. It is written in His word for us not to be afraid. Written 365 times. When I feel anxious or fear creeps in, I remind myself these things come from Satan. I repeat verses from God telling me to not be afraid. He is here. I am safe with Him. Of this I have no doubt.

JOHN 8:12
Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, "I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life."

JOHN 12:46
"I am come a light into the world, that whosoever believeth on me should not abide in darkness."

For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures; and that he was buried, and that he rose again the third day according to the scriptures: and that he was seen of Cephas, then of the twelve: After that, he was seen of above five hundred brethren at once; of whom the greater part remain unto this present, but some are fallen asleep. After that, he was seen of James; then of all the apostles. And last of all he was seen of me also, as of one born out of due time.

Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: but made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: and being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name: that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of [things] in heaven, and [things] in earth, and [things] under the earth; and [that] every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ [is] Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

JOHN 5:21-30
"For as the Father raiseth up the dead, and quickeneth [them]; even so the Son quickeneth whom he will. For the Father judgeth no man, but hath committed all judgment unto the Son: that all [men] should honour the Son, even as they honour the Father. He that honoureth not the Son honoureth not the Father which hath sent him. Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life. Verily, verily, I say unto you, The hour is coming, and now is, when the dead shall hear the voice of the Son of God: and they that hear shall live. For as the Father hath life in himself; so hath he given to the Son to have life in himself; and hath given him authority to execute judgment also, because he is the Son of man. Marvel not at this: for the hour is coming, in the which all that are in the graves shall hear his voice, and shall come forth; they that have done good, unto the resurrection of life; and they that have done evil, unto the resurrection of damnation. I can of mine own self do nothing: as I hear, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me."

Proverbs 19:23

23  The fear of the Lord lleads to life,
and whoever has it rests msatisfied;
he will nnot be visited by harm. 

 Proverbs 14:26

26  In the fear of the Lord one has mstrong confidence,
and nhis children will have oa refuge. 

Matthew 10:31
31 Fear not, therefore; nyou are of more value than many sparrows.
Psalm 56:11
11  in God I trust; uI shall not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
1 Peter 3:14
14But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you are blessed. AND DO NOT FEAR THEIR INTIMIDATION, AND DO NOT BE TROUBLED, 15but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence;…


Don't forget!

The busy season is starting up for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Already I can see houses with Christmas lights up. By this time next week Christmas trees will go up in homes.

While you're sitting with your families this Thanksgiving and Christmas, please remember there are those of us who don't have families. Remember your neighbor next door, the man or woman down the street, etc., for they may not have anywhere to go. For some of us, it is the hardest time of the year.

I can tolerate Thanksgiving, but Christmas is extremely hard for me. There are so many people alone at the holidays. Remember them and make a difference.

Friday, November 6, 2015

Time Keeps Passing

Time keeps passing and I still haven't decided on a new rheumatologist. I've been so burned by bad doctor experiences in KY that I just don't want to try anymore. I know I won't be able to get the necessary medication that treats systemic lupus without one. Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth the fight anymore.

It has been a crazy weather roller coaster here. Yes, it has taken its toll on my body and mind. Below freezing one week and 70's the next. Today the rain is back and with it comes another nose dive in temperatures. This type of weather releases extreme pain throughout my body. I call it suffering because it is unbearable. It also puts my thinking into a dull mode. I can't remember one hour from the next. Last night I set out a bowl of food for Buddy, the leftover food Rascal and Bitty did not eat. I know there was a dry food bowl out there as well. Before I went to bed, I checked to see if Buddy showed up and was sleeping in his box on the porch. Instead I found dry food scattered everywhere and no bowls. I found bowls in my sink obviously used for the canned. When did I take those bowls in? I wouldn't be surprised to find the other bowl (of dry food) had been stolen by a local dog or the two raccoons who raid my porch. Never found that bowl.

Two days ago I was going to make an egg sandwich. I cracked the egg, stirred it up, pulled out a diet coke to drink as well and instead of pouring the diet coke in a glass, I poured it in the egg. Stupid!

I'm losing days. Can't remember one from the next. I'm not talking about dates, I'm talking about days. Scaring me silly. Being alone I wonder what will happen to me if I end up with dementia, my mother had this and lupus patients tend to get it as well.

Top it all off with the fact Thanksgiving is in a few weeks. I hate the holidays. It is a time for family. When you have no family, your empty feeling turns into an unbearable void. I can deal with being alone at Thanksgiving. I can't seem to master that at Christmas. It is heart wrenching.

If someone asked me what I wanted for Christmas, my list would be much different from most. First, I would like to have food in my pantry. There are more spider webs than food in there. My fridge is also empty. It is so hard choosing between medications and food. Too, I'm still paying off the Benlysta. $1000 more to go.

Another  wish I would add is to go home. I realized people here are no different than those in Alabama. And even though crime is higher, I was able to get medical care far better there than here. My health is steadily declining and soon I won't be able to function. The things I cannot do are outnumbering the things I can do. I simply need to go back for medical reasons. Problem? Cost of a move. Uhaul, gas, new apartment in Dothan, set up of services, etc. It costs money and a lot of it just to move. I don't have any.

I'm feeling down today. Could be the pain, dull thinking, worry about all of the above. I'm exhausted. Can't sleep through the night and know this isn't helping my lupus flares. My rheumatologist from Dothan ( the one I had for 18 years), told me to be sure and sleep 8-10 hours a night. Less than that would cause lupus flares. He was so right. I miss his care. He went out of his way to make sure his patients had their medication, sought out programs to help with medicine and medical costs. Made a huge difference. You don't miss something good until it is gone. I haven't found one caring compassionate doctor here yet.

Life is hard enough just getting around day to day. Add in all of the above and tell me if you could stand it.