Sunday, November 29, 2015

Sitting in the Dark

It is a cold rainy yucky day in Wilmore. My apartment tends to be dark anyway, but during cloudy days, it is very dark. The weather makes me hurt all over. Osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia, systemic lupus, plus so many other illnesses I battle every day, cause a difficult life.

I finally put up my rinky dink Christmas tree. Love the lights. Keep them on instead of lamps. Special ornaments from former students, those I've picked up along the way, photo ornaments of family, and the nativity set that belonged to my brother combine to bring a light to a somewhat dark life. I am reminded we are to be a bright light in the dark world and with each day the world becomes a little darker. I know living in a dark apartment dampens my spirits. When a little light comes in, I feel better. Lord, empty me of the darkness, the sadness, the thoughts of myself and fill me with YOU.

My thoughts are with my friend whose mother is dying. She was put in hospice today. With her struggle I am remembering my own mother's suffering and death. She died two days before my 24th birthday. When someone is suffering, it feels like a wild roller coaster of a ride. You have no control, can't make it stop, when you think things have leveled out, the up and down dive begins again. Five times to the ER during Thanksgiving. The ambulance had to come out to the country where we lived. Took 45 minutes every trip. Each time I would pray she made it. She did. Then in January we had to transfer her to a nursing home. She lived two weeks. The day she died, she bowed her head and was gone.

My circumstances were different. I was my mama's full time care giver. The day I graduated from college I left KY, walked in the door at home, and started the job. I couldn't even go outside until my daddy or brother came home from work. She required someone in the house with her at all times. Being a working class family, we couldn't afford to hire help. It was me or nothing. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I'd do it all over again.

I've thought of her so much the past few weeks, especially since my friend's mother is suffering so much. No matter how much time you are given, death is devastating. They take part of you with them when they leave this earth.

My brother was next with cancer. He died at age 46. I took care of him and worked a full time job. My daddy was also sick and I took care of him at the same time. He died two years after my brother. Can you imagine being alone at age 35? I was and still am. You would think it would get easier as time passed, but it doesn't. You see they, too, to part of me with them when they left this earth. Today I feel like 1/3rd of a person.

Christmas is in a few weeks. The world has created a holiday designed for families. In all honesty it is about the birth of Jesus. How can you focus on the true meaning when you're hit by "family holiday" at every event during this season? Even the movies on tv are focused on family. Just hold my breath and make it through. Enduring. Wishing I could sleep for a week.

Sitting in the dark with hope of light from the maker of this world. Empty me out, Lord, and fill me with your Spirit.

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