Friday, November 6, 2015

Time Keeps Passing

Time keeps passing and I still haven't decided on a new rheumatologist. I've been so burned by bad doctor experiences in KY that I just don't want to try anymore. I know I won't be able to get the necessary medication that treats systemic lupus without one. Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth the fight anymore.

It has been a crazy weather roller coaster here. Yes, it has taken its toll on my body and mind. Below freezing one week and 70's the next. Today the rain is back and with it comes another nose dive in temperatures. This type of weather releases extreme pain throughout my body. I call it suffering because it is unbearable. It also puts my thinking into a dull mode. I can't remember one hour from the next. Last night I set out a bowl of food for Buddy, the leftover food Rascal and Bitty did not eat. I know there was a dry food bowl out there as well. Before I went to bed, I checked to see if Buddy showed up and was sleeping in his box on the porch. Instead I found dry food scattered everywhere and no bowls. I found bowls in my sink obviously used for the canned. When did I take those bowls in? I wouldn't be surprised to find the other bowl (of dry food) had been stolen by a local dog or the two raccoons who raid my porch. Never found that bowl.

Two days ago I was going to make an egg sandwich. I cracked the egg, stirred it up, pulled out a diet coke to drink as well and instead of pouring the diet coke in a glass, I poured it in the egg. Stupid!

I'm losing days. Can't remember one from the next. I'm not talking about dates, I'm talking about days. Scaring me silly. Being alone I wonder what will happen to me if I end up with dementia, my mother had this and lupus patients tend to get it as well.

Top it all off with the fact Thanksgiving is in a few weeks. I hate the holidays. It is a time for family. When you have no family, your empty feeling turns into an unbearable void. I can deal with being alone at Thanksgiving. I can't seem to master that at Christmas. It is heart wrenching.

If someone asked me what I wanted for Christmas, my list would be much different from most. First, I would like to have food in my pantry. There are more spider webs than food in there. My fridge is also empty. It is so hard choosing between medications and food. Too, I'm still paying off the Benlysta. $1000 more to go.

Another  wish I would add is to go home. I realized people here are no different than those in Alabama. And even though crime is higher, I was able to get medical care far better there than here. My health is steadily declining and soon I won't be able to function. The things I cannot do are outnumbering the things I can do. I simply need to go back for medical reasons. Problem? Cost of a move. Uhaul, gas, new apartment in Dothan, set up of services, etc. It costs money and a lot of it just to move. I don't have any.

I'm feeling down today. Could be the pain, dull thinking, worry about all of the above. I'm exhausted. Can't sleep through the night and know this isn't helping my lupus flares. My rheumatologist from Dothan ( the one I had for 18 years), told me to be sure and sleep 8-10 hours a night. Less than that would cause lupus flares. He was so right. I miss his care. He went out of his way to make sure his patients had their medication, sought out programs to help with medicine and medical costs. Made a huge difference. You don't miss something good until it is gone. I haven't found one caring compassionate doctor here yet.

Life is hard enough just getting around day to day. Add in all of the above and tell me if you could stand it.

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