Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Another Sleepless Night

It has been two weeks since I've had a decent night's sleep. Started with stress from a neighbor, went to pain, swelling, and then anxiety. Bad thing is lack of sleep affects lupus. Lack of sleep flares depression and causes anxiety. The three together prevent sleep. A catch twenty-two. I've wondered how long you can go without sleep before it kills you.

So my friend, Buddy, and I sat up watching the debate. I'd rather hear it for myself than let some newscaster tell me what to think. Most of their reporting is slanted to cause deception.

Buddy has an eye infection in his right eye. Poor darling. It looks like puss is filming it over. I wipe it out for him every day and have allowed him to sleep inside at night in hopes it will be on the road to healing up. He usually sleeps on the back of the sofa. Tonight he crawled into the recliner with me. When I had to get up and answer nature's call, he settled into the chair and went to sleep. I'm thankful he is feeling secure enough to sleep inside for now even though I know he will be quite ready to go outside in the morning. I think he must have injured it in a cat fight or dog fight. He's been known to chase dogs down the street.

This little cat was on my doorstep within weeks of my moving into this apartment. I call him my little angel because when I am so sick and can't leave the apartment, he makes a point to hang around more. He's the best neighbor I've ever had. I wish I could afford to do more for him. He's well fed and I'm doing the best I can. He is sleeping now safely in the confines of a place where someone loves him.

I can honestly say I hate the holidays. Each year it gets worse. I can't seem to bear it. I watch the Christmas movies, cry, face my losses, and hope tomorrow is better. This time of year is overwhelming.

I don't want things for Christmas, I need family. I miss mine so much. I'm no different than anyone else - I need to be accepted, loved, encouraged just like anyone else. We live in a society where it isn't popular to reach past the security of your family and draw someone into your life, make a difference in theirs. When you've never been married, there must be something wrong with you. When you are sick and carry the burden of a chronic illness, not many people want to invest any time with you. I've had more people go over the years than have stayed. Want to weed out your friends? Get sick. You'll soon discover who were true friends and who were not.

Sometimes I wish I could fall asleep and sleep past January 1st. Skip over the loneliness and aloneness. Skip over the silence that is deafening. Silly me, I can't even sleep a few hours!

 Just endure. Just endure Just endure. 

No comments:

Post a Comment