Monday, December 7, 2015


Since last Monday, my nerves have been a wreck! With it has come a huge flare. My joints are swollen, I can barely walk, fevers have hit me hard and riding as if I've been on a roller coaster. My muscles are weak. The past few days it felt as though my bed was vibrating. Thinking it was the cats jiggling around, I just poked them hoping they would stop. Problem is the vibrating never did. I was the one vibrating. My entire body is shaking. The only time I don't feel it is on the rare occasion when I can sleep. And that is a rare occasion these days. 

I haven't had that symptom since living in Dothan. I remember my former rheumatologist taking a piece of paper and placing it on my outstretched hand to see if it would jiggle off. It always did. It is now doing the same. 

My nerves are shot. The flares are back. The stress is bad. And it seems like every day something bad happens. Some bad is mild bad and some is extreme, like last Monday's idiot parade where I had to call the police. So many days I wish I could just fall asleep and sleep for a week, escape the worries of this world. I think about my college friend who passed away in her sleep last January and how lucky she was. She has no more worries to face, nothing to fear anymore. 

It is hard to live a balanced life when your life is constantly battling illness and you're doing so alone. It is hard to deal with the small things when the big ones come crashing down around you like not being able to find a decent doctor you can depend on to look after the important things. 

I'm tired. I'm worn. I'm sick. And I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

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