Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Past Memories

Memories from the past surface with the slightest thought. I watched "A Christmas Carol" with George C. Scott (Best one in my opinion). It was released in 1984, the December my mother made countless trips to the ER after going into diabetic comas. Living in the country, it took an ambulance twenty minutes or more to arrive. Those hard memories came flooding back last night. It was an extreme December and sad Christmas. She died the next month a week before her birthday, two days before my 24th birthday.

The following December wasn't much better. My daddy fell into a deep depression and had been drinking when I found him sitting on the edge of his bed. He had a gun in his hand and was planning on taking his life. This was on Christmas Eve. I was the one who had to take the gun away from him, his 24 yr. old daughter. And you wonder why I hate this time of year?!

I have a hard time recalling good memories anymore. With each year this horrible disease removes my concentration, memory, and on some days my ability to communicate clearly. I've reached the point only recent memories come to mind. The others have been lost in the fog.

It is the night before Christmas eve and I'm sitting home alone. Rain and thunderstorms are pouring in bringing pain and suffering once more. I'm so tired I can barely pull myself off this old love seat. Tomorrow will be just another day filled with many things I can't seem  to accomplish. So the piles of to do grow higher with the passing days. While families gather tomorrow night, I'll be sitting in front of the tv for company. Enduring. Enduring. Enduring.

I remembered a time I couldn't go home for Christmas. It was in December 1992. My daddy's immune system was low and I came down with strep throat. I found myself washing clothes on Christmas Eve in the apartment laundry room. No one around. It hurt so much not to go home. It was the first Christmas eve I ever spent alone. In two day's time I had broken the fever and I made it home with my cat, Squirt, in tow. My brother picked me up and Squirt slept in the back window of his car. I was never so thankful not to be alone.

Now I have to endure the aloneness, the loneliness, and wonder how on earth my life has ended up like this. I never planned to be sick. I never dreamed I'd lose my family by the time I was 35. I never dreamed I wouldn't have a family of my own. No one thinks about these things. They just happen.

I'm not the only one alone during Christmas. Many people are alone. People who live near you. In your complex, in your neighborhood. You pass them every day. If you know of someone who is alone, please take time to do something special for that person. You will never know how much they would appreciate it.

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