Saturday, January 30, 2016

Alone Again

I spent a week with my best friend. She came up for my birthday. Many of our plans were cancelled due to the snowstorm. So we made the best of what was left. Neither one of us moved fast. She was sick with a bad cold and I was suffering from the severe pain associated with the cold. I am so thankful she makes this trip. Otherwise I would be alone on my birthday.

She left to go home Monday. I crawled into bed and have been there ever since, only getting up for food for me and the kitties and trips to the bathroom. Most of the time spent there was due to a worn out body. I feel better today even though I can't shake the headache I've had for five days.

The hardest part is trying to get used to being alone again. It tears your heart out sometimes. Just when I think I've gotten used to day to day being alone, I'm given a small taste of having a friend around only to have to readjust to being alone again. I haven't seen another person since she left on Monday.

I wouldn't change one moment of having her here. Wish it could have been longer. Wish I could have gone home with her. Wish I had a home to go home to.

Until I readjust to being alone again, I'll sleep or try to sleep. I'm tired, so very tired.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016


Last week I was told my rheumatologist to see a dentist. I informed her I couldn't afford to see a dentist. I can honestly say I've never had God answer a prayer as fast as He did! On Saturday, I ended up at a local Free Dental Day. I was blessed with a dentist who filled seven teeth, removed a broken tooth, and a wisdom tooth. Took over an hour. Worth it.

On Sunday I was so sick. A fever of 102 set in and lasted seven hours. I woke up around 2:00 a.m. freezing to death. Couldn't pull myself up to grab the electric blanket remote. So I shivered. For hours I shivered. It brought back memories of my only brother the night he broke out into a high fever and couldn't get either myself or my daddy to hear him call for help. So he lay there shivering and hoping someone would wake up. Something did wake me up that night and I checked on him. I put blankets on him to warm him up and never left until he broke that fever from the chemo he had to endure that day. The next day I bought a baby monitor and hooked it up to his room and mine. He never was more than a cry for help away again. 

His was resolved. Mine wasn't. It was hours before I broke that horrible fever Sunday morning. When I was able to pull myself up, I could barely walk to the bathroom. Diarrhea and throwing up ensued from there. Once that settled down, I tried eating a cracker or two along with some water. Nothing stayed down. So I crawled back into bed with a wet bath cloth in hopes the fever wouldn't return. Yesterday I ate something solid and it stayed down. The day before a friend brought me ginger ale and it stayed down. I think ginger ale is the wonder cure for all. 

Today my mouth is still sore and the fever comes and goes, but I was able to eat a little more solid food. What a relief! The pain and other issues occurred because something invaded my body and my body attacked back. Problem is with lupus, the body attacks the body and this time it was an all out battle. The temperature bottomed out and the cold didn't help with the pain.

One day at a time. One day at a time. One good hot bath and back to bed. Not pushing it. Just resting. Trying to sleep as much as I can but Rascal won't let me. 

I have a birthday next week, but right now all I can think of is being able to sit up, not break out into a fever, being able to take a shower without falling. 

It is hard but I am reminded whose hands I rest in.

Friday, January 8, 2016

A New Year

A new year brings all kinds of change. Saw my rheumatologist this past week. She apologized repeatedly. I reminded her didn't expect miracles from her because I already knew I was in the downward slide of this disease. After much discussion she agreed. As long as she can help me maintain the horrible pain and long list of symptoms, we should be fine. Time will tell.

Until then. I will see another year pass as I turn 55 on January 20. Another reminder of an anniversary of my mama's death on January 18 and her birth on January 25. Mixed emotions.

As a child I never received birthday gifts, cards or even a happy birthday. It was just another day. I guess that's why birthdays don't mean anything to me. Childhood neglect wrapped in horrible memories just doesn't give me reasons to want to celebrate.

Just another day.