Monday, April 11, 2016

Yo Yo!

It has been a weather yo yo weekend!! Dropped down to the twenties, snow showers early Saturday morning, and cold enough to wear a sweater and coat on Saturday. The rain has come back in making it a miserable existence where pain is concerned. Sometimes I think it just isn't worth it to keep pushing on. 

I want to be able to clean my place the way I used to, to sit in the sun, enjoy being around people. I just want to be normal, whatever that is. What takes a normal person a few hours to do laundry takes me two days. 

I'm also coming off the doxepin. Thankful to be off that horrible stuff, but feeling the effects of it. I feel like a layer cake. Base is fine, add a layer of lack of sleep, a layer of chronic pain whether it rains or not, a layer of fevers off an on, a layer of aloneness (and sometimes loneliness), and ice it with the struggle of day to day simple tasks. I just hurt inside and out. 

Today is one of those days where I wish I could go home, the place where I grew up. Wish I could walk in the back door and see Mama at the stove, Daddy in the living room and my only brother with him. Wish I could feel that "Ahhhhhhhhhh" you feel when you go home, a feeling that no word can describe. Since they've been gone no where I've lived has felt like home. It has merely been a roof over my head. Today I just wish I could go home.

This week I have a cat scan. Haven't checked the thoracic aneurysm in two years. See a new doctor next week. Seems like that's the way medical care works here. You get a new doctor every few years instead of having a choice of staying with someone who knows your history. Many of them don't care enough to get to know you. Nothing like the doctors I had in Alabama. I miss my rheumatologist. 

I miss so much from home. One thing you learn when you move away is that people are all the same. Most are just focused on their own family. I've learned many things by experience. The rare person who cares enough to stick by you is a treasure. They are few and far between. I'm thankful for the few. 

When I get sick like this, I tend to feel sad. Today is just a sad day. Time to go to bed and pull the covers over my head.

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