Friday, August 12, 2016

Never Thought About It

Yesterday an old college friend asked me if I had a support system. Actually I had to answer the truth. Nope. No one encourages me every day, I never get hugs and as of today it has been six days since I've seen another person. I guess you could say this illness and suffering from it for so long has caused me to lose faith in people. Always said when the day comes where I didn't have to spend the Christmas season alone, I'd start believing in people again. But just like anywhere else I've been, talk is cheap and lack of actions speak so much louder.

Please don't tell me people mean well and expect me to believe it. As I write this I'm alone yet another day and another night.

Cost of medication is rising. My kitties are out of food already (thanks to that neighborhood dog, whom I haven't seen in two weeks). And I need food as well. The past two weeks have been terribly hard. The stress from July caused some pretty severe flares, fevers, swelling joints, and huge sores on my body. Today was the first day in two weeks I've been able to sit in the living room most of the day.

So to answer her question, no, I don't. I've simply grown used to having to deal with all of this alone. She's right - no one should have to grow used to this!!

So if you're out there suffering and have at least one family member or friend who checks on you, helps you in any way, be thankful. It is a rougher road alone.

There's not a moment I wish to go back home to Alabama (more frequently after a doctor's visit and lack of care. Then I wish and pray hard for God to open a financial door for me making my desperate need more real. Dear Father God please send me all the support I need to restore my home to Alabama again and bless me with the gift if my rheumatologist there. I can't do this alone. I need help in every area. If humanity has truly become the uncaring selfish people I believe they have, please send down angels and the Holy Spirit to get the job done. My hope rests in You!

On these dry miserably hot days in Kentucky, and yes they cause all kinds of pain with humidity and the barometric pressure beating on me. In these days I beg God to bless us with rain to quench the heat, send water to the vegetation on earth, to water the glorious and unique animals who live among us. Tonight I heard thunder and looked out the window to see rain. Miss little bit and I did a gig for joy! Well a small gig (b
Hard to dance on two feet and legs with permanent nerve damage while balancing yourself with a cane! It has been a long while since we had rain and every drop helps.

I lay my head down on my pillow and dreamed of the ocean, of Panama City beach FL. Memories of walking in the sand after the sun went down, feeling the warm sand on me when I sat down, hearing and watching the birds hunt for supper. Remembering how cold it was one December where I had to go to Walmart to get gloves, scarf and hat, and warmer closed in shoes before I could walk the beach. It was bbbbiiiitttteeeer!

But if I ever came into money, I would live on the beach. I recall a time when the staff went to the beach for a planning retreat. I spent most of my time looking at the waves and letting me be hypnotized by them. My favorite spot was on the screened in back porch just feet away from the water. I would si and write stories and poems. I'd also allow the waves to rush over me with their healing touch. It was there I felt calm, at peace and knew God could and would do anything. He was in charge of this mere existence my small  life shown. God's word is powerful and strong. Know He is the beginning and the end. I feel closer to Him at the ocean than any other place on earth. 

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