Saturday, October 22, 2016

Just Another Day

Still having a hard time functioning. Washing dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, etc., tasks mist people give little thought to have become extremely difficult for me. And it makes my heart heavy, sad.

Today how I wish I could go home - where I was raised. Feel the sweet release of security. Just walk into my old room, crawl into bed and rest, the kind of rest that has no timetable. And even though my family was filled with anger and heartache, it was still home. It has been twenty-three years since I went home. It belongs to someone else now. My family all passed away. There is no home to go home to anymore.

I worked so hard to get away from there in my early twenties. Even chose a college out of state. But illness and death drew me home. My own loss of health took what was left - inability to work, care for myself even though I don't have a choice. Loss of friends, lack of support, encouragement. Now wondering everyday I wake up what's coming next. I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm depressed. Chemical imbalance? Probably. Illness side effects? Definitely.

It has been a struggle my whole life. I'm just tired of struggling. And I'm tired of being stuck in bed, sick, alone. Today I'm just worn out.

Friday, October 21, 2016

More Flares and other Thoughts

The doctor took me completely off the plaquenil that has prevented flares and fevers. Since I now have plaquenil toxicity, when the medication deposits on the retina causing blindness, I can no longer take it. The only medicine left in the long line of others that did not work is Benlysta. I have taken Benlysta (a medication given by IV) before and spent two weeks out of four wiped out, unable to function at all, and struggling just to make it financially since my insurance covers all but 20%. So I'm waiting for the hospital to call and schedule another round I will take once a month.

It is doubly hard to do mundane daily things when you are wiped out, have fevers of 102-103, are in intense pain, etc., etc., etc. Just trying to vacuum, mop the floor or stand at the sink to wash dishes is a struggle. The results of the past few months show in my apartment. It also causes depression because I can't do anything but sit in a chair or lie down. Put yourself in these shoes and see how it feels.

So now the financial struggle begins again for the medication. Such a dread. I have no choice. It is either take the medication and hope for some response or just stop and die.

Stress hasn't helped. Our neighborhood has gone so far down in the past couple of years. I was talking with my next door neighbor and she feels the same way. The lady across the street does, too. When you have a president who releases over 80,000 drug dealers or those who were caught with drugs, the neighborhoods get flooded. As has ours. On Tuesday morning when I went outside to feed Buddy and Tom, there were three police cars in the road just a few doors down. They remained at least two hours. Wednesday night and Thursday night there were three more in the same location. Keep in mind they were positioned on the dead end of the street. Even though it unnerves me to see this happen, part of me felt safer knowing they were there. Too many drug dealers try to hide in small towns like Wilmore. Then the damage is done and it radiates to every door.

This election scares me silly. There is no way I will vote for someone who wants open borders (just to pad the Democrat voter registration), murders babies in the womb (even up to the point of birth), double our national debt and keep going, turns their back on Israel, fine a Christian bakery for choosing to follow their beliefs, taking away the second amendment (even though the politicians can't go to the bathroom without a body guard), and the list goes on. It isn't about personalities or a popularity contest. Gone are the days of choosing a person whose work speaks for themselves. Instead we have a government that is unbalanced. You have to vote for a party in order to accomplish anything. Just depends on what you want to accomplish.  It is about the issues at hand. I found two links that sum up what this election is truly about. So don't argue with me or point fingers because you're not open to accepting a different choice. Try looking at the issues. I heard someone say vote your conscience. Instead vote for the issues. They will affect every aspect of your life. Even your bank account!

Monday, October 10, 2016


Stress has caused a fever of 102.9. Just can't break it after three hours. Don't want to go to the emergency room. Flare in full swing. The highest temperature was 103 degrees.

At 3:30 am my fever broke. Eleven hours of suffering.