Saturday, October 22, 2016

Just Another Day

Still having a hard time functioning. Washing dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, etc., tasks mist people give little thought to have become extremely difficult for me. And it makes my heart heavy, sad.

Today how I wish I could go home - where I was raised. Feel the sweet release of security. Just walk into my old room, crawl into bed and rest, the kind of rest that has no timetable. And even though my family was filled with anger and heartache, it was still home. It has been twenty-three years since I went home. It belongs to someone else now. My family all passed away. There is no home to go home to anymore.

I worked so hard to get away from there in my early twenties. Even chose a college out of state. But illness and death drew me home. My own loss of health took what was left - inability to work, care for myself even though I don't have a choice. Loss of friends, lack of support, encouragement. Now wondering everyday I wake up what's coming next. I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm depressed. Chemical imbalance? Probably. Illness side effects? Definitely.

It has been a struggle my whole life. I'm just tired of struggling. And I'm tired of being stuck in bed, sick, alone. Today I'm just worn out.

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